TITLE: Bingo Night In The Buffyverse 3/3
AUTHOR: Gileswench
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
FEEDBACK: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
The Host announced the first number.
"G3, ladies and gentlemen, G3!"
The players marked their cards as Buffy looked on in helpless terror. What the hell did these people want to do to her world? The tall woman didn't seem to like her much, and the short one seemed to be trying to push her and Giles together, when she wasn't flirting outrageously with him herself. And she shouldn't flirt with him because it was...bad. Giles didn't need this weird woman moving her chair closer to his. And anyway, wasn't she married? There was a ring on that finger. Two. Okay, so one seemed to be a frog, but still, rings on that finger equal married. Married women shouldn't be trying to take Giles away from her.
Or give him to her.
She moved on to the legal department.
"What have we got, guys?"
"Not much." Kate looked defeated. "Their disclaimers are in order and they're making no profit off of this. I'm not sure we can get them for anything."
"We'll find something" Lindsey assured the Slayer. "Just keep them busy as long as you can. These things can take time."
"Time is the one thing I don't think we have. But keep looking. Nice tie, by the way."
Lindsey flushed slightly as he smiled.
"Thanks. That's nice of you to say."
Lilah rolled her eyes.
"And am I a snappy desser too?"
Buffy's eyes flickered over the lawyer.
"No."
The Slayer turned away as Lilah fumed and Lindsey and Kate smirked in amusement.
"She's right, you know. That really is a great tie."
"Thank you, Detective. And did you know you have beautiful eyes?"
"Really? Thanks. Gee, now if you just weren't in the habit of representing evil pondscum for clients..."
"And it you weren't such a self-righteous goody two-shoes..."
Kate laughed softly.
"Yeah. That's screwed up my love life more than once. You're not too bad, McDonald."
"Neither are you, Lockley."
"Where's a bucket when you need to puke?" Lilah muttered under her breath.
Buffy approached Giles.
"How's it going? Who's winning?"
"They've only called one number. That fellow insists on singing some dreadful pop tune after every pull. Now please, he's about to pull another number. I must concentrate if I'm to win."
"Okay. Good luck, Giles. Remember we're counting on you."
"Oh, of course. No pressure there."
The Host hit an awsomely high note for his finale.
"Thank you, thank you. You're all too kind" he replied to the nonexistent applause. Turning, he muttered: "Practically rip out my larynx to entertain and do they appreciate me? No. Mom was right: show business is Hell."
When he turned to face his audience, however, his smile was as broad and toothy as ever.
He took the number Cordelia had plucked from the basket.
"B12, people! Who's got B12?"
Only Wench marked her card. The air shifted with magick and a strange thing began to happen. People began to gravitate to one another in ways they never had before. Others renewed old ties in surprisingly passionate ways.
Buffy raced to sit in Giles' lap as they kissed one another senseless. Wesley nearly leapt to the stage and took Cordelia in a wildly passionate embrace. Willow and Tara snuggled closer as Xander pulled Anya from her chair into his arms. Kate looked up in delighted wonder as Joyce Summers walked in and kissed her warmly. Lindsey and Angel eyed one another with wary lust and Gunn was surprised by a tap on his shoulder.
"Alonna! You're here?"
"In the flesh, big brother."
He pulled her into a warm hug, nearly weeping for joy.
The Host looked longingly at all the romance and happy family reunions. A nostalgic expression flitted across his face. Suddenly, a familiar figure stood by his side, a fresh seabreeze in his hand.
"Ramon? Sweetie, I can't believe you and your wonderful bartending skills are back."
"I'm sorry I betrayed you. I just couldn't live without you. Now I have so much money, I want to build you a mansion and fill it with wonderful things from Liberace's estate."
The Host sighed. This was his idea of a perfect life. If only he didn't have to finish the damn game. Still, an obligation is an obligation.
"You just hold that thought, honey. I have a game to finish."
He resolutely pulled the next number himself since Cordelia and Wesley were now rolling around the stage in a wild tangle of arms, legs, and other body parts The Host didn't care to contemplate.
"A29. The number is A29!"
Collie and Giles marked their cards. Nobody wanted to ask Giles how he did so while continuing to suck face with Buffy in an embarrassing manner, but he seemed to have memorized his card. As soon as he had done so, he pulled back in a shocked manner. So did Buffy. She scrambled off his lap with a horrified expression on her face.
"Omigod, omigod, omigod, what did I do? What did you do? What the hell's going on here?"
Cordelia pulled away from Wesley almost gagging. Alonna, Joyce and Ramon popped out of existence, Angel and Lindsey went back to their usual pattern of hate without sexual tension behind it. Only Willow and Tara and Xander and Anya remained unfazed by the experience.
"Don't worry, my little dumplings. That's just what the world will be like when I win." Wench fluttered her eyelashes. "Did you all like it?"
Collie muttered something under her breath.
"What was that, Collie? Something about a shagpillow?"
The only response was an increase in the volume of smoke surrounding the Goth.
With the next number, Collie pulled ahead and the world spun on its axis again.
Suddenly, Willow ran to Angel and they embraced as they whispered words of love to one another. Xander and Cordelia rolled in amorous enthusiasm across the stage.
Faith appeared before Buffy.
"Want. Take. Have" she murmured before pulling her willing sister Slayer into a passionate gropefest.
Giles' clothing melted into pajama pants and a robe, and Olivia suddenly appeared in one of his shirts. She sat on his lap and proceeded to give new meaning to the word kiss.
Drusilla appeared at Spike's side. Their hands and lips hovered dangerously near, yet never quite on one another. As one they moved to flank Lilah. Dru used her incredibly sharp fingernails to remove the scalp from the lawyer's head and placed it on Spike's.
"There. Miss Edith told me it would look ever so much nicer on you. The naughty bad woman didn't need it and I don't want my Spike to be cold this winter." Dru swayed from side to side, licking the blood from her fingers as she spoke.
Spike pulled Drusilla to him by the hips.
"And you know, for once that sodding doll was right."
The game wore on with different versions of the universe taking the lead at different times. It was disconcerting to all and sundry dealing with the constant switching of partners, and the sudden appearance and disappearance of people. Whenever Giles was ahead, the world went back the way it had been when they walked in the door.
Finally, the Host called a new number. The three players were neck and neck again. Whoever had this number would most likely win the match, and with it, mastery of the world as they knew it.
"The number is C9, people! C9!"
"Bingo!"
Collie swore and Wench pouted as Giles' triumphant cry rose from his throat.
"I won! I won!"
Suddenly, the shift happened again. The prime directive was shattered.
The years rolled off Giles until he looked about twenty five. His hair grew longer and thicker as the silver disappeared from his temples. Instead of a suit and tie, he was dressed in a leather jacket and tight, faded jeans, a silver hoop depending from his left earlobe. His t shirt was tight against his well developed chest, and his boots were seriously kick ass.
What's more, he knew where his motorcycle was parked.
Anya blinked out of existence as Xander and Tara shyly approached one another and shared their first kiss. Willow's red hair grew to her waist and Oz appeared nuzzling her from behind.
"Hey, baby" was all he said. It was enough for Willow.
Buffy paused only to send a pair of stakes she'd had concealed God only knew where in her skimpy outfit across the room as she leapt into Giles' arms. Angel and Spike had mere nanoseconds to be disgusted with their new, geeky wardrobes before they turned to dust.
"Let's roll, Ripper!"
He slung a possessive arm around Buffy's shoulder as they moved toward the door.
"Oh, and Ripper? You don't mind that I've invited Jenny over for a threesome, do you?"
"Sounds great, luv."
They were out the door.
The others looked at one another, shrugged, and headed out after them, unsure what the new world had in store for them.
Collie and Wench regarded one another with disgusted looks.
"Well that wasn't what I had in mind at all. Ripper? Threesomes?"
"He killed my Spike."
The two shook their heads sadly.
Finally the Wench spoke.
"You know, there's only one way to leave this place."
"How's that?"
"Singing!"
The two linked arms and began to sing in perfect harmony:
Try to see it my way
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on
Why do you see it your way?
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone
We can work it outWe can work it out
Nobody was left to see or hear when the TNT went off.
END