Title: Christmas Resolutions 2/5
Author: Gileswench
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

A soft noise awakened Giles sometime later. He slowly came to the realization that it was a knock on his door. He switched on the beside light, and put on his glasses as the door opened.

"Buffy? What are you doing up?"

The girl shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep. Is it all right if I..."

"If you what?"

"Make sure this is real?"

Giles smiled and sat up in bed.

"Come here."

Buffy walked shyly to the bed and sat gingerly on it. When Giles reached out a hand to her, she closed her fingers around his and gave a happy sigh.

"It is real. I was afraid I was only dreaming it again."

"If you are, then so am I. And in that case, I think I'd much rather stay asleep than wake up."

"Okay, the Giles I know would never say something that mushy."

"Sorry. I'm not really completely awake. My defenses aren't built up yet."

"Leave 'em down for a while, would you?"

"If you'll promise to do the same."

"Deal. I missed you."

"And I you. I'm sorry."

"I know. So am I. I was a real jerk about it."

"You were hurt."

"Yeah, but it still doesn't make it right. I get it now, for what it's worth. I sorta had one of those...Epilady things."

"Epilady...? I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Y'know. One of those moments when everything just falls into place and makes sense."

"Ah, an epiphany."

"Yeah. One of those."

"And what brought this on?"

Buffy shifted uncomfortably and rubbed her arms.

"Buffy, are you cold?"

"A bit."

"You do realize it's your own fault for wearing something that flimsy. Did nobody ever tell you England in December is cold?"

"I knew that. It snows and stuff. I just thought that at night, indoors, heated rooms..."

"Central heating here isn't what it is in America. Come on. We can't have you catching your death your first night."

Giles lifted the covers and indicated to Buffy that she should get under them.

"But...Giles...I...we...this is too weird."

"No defenses, remember? You're shivering. Now get in here and get warm. You're perfectly safe."

Buffy hesitated a moment, but her cotton pants and spaghetti strapped singlet left her with no real protection from the night chill. She clambered under the covers. She was amazed at how much warmer she felt immediately. Between flannel sheets, warm blankets, and the heat radiating from Giles' body, she felt better in no time.

"Better?"

"Yeah, thanks. Anyone ever tell you you're one hot guy?"

"Not enough, lately," Giles grinned. "Hot, eh?"

Buffy rolled her eyes and giggled.

"Hot as in body heat, not as in...there really is no way out of that one, is there?"

"Not a graceful one, at any rate."

"And you're loving every minute of it, too."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't. Here I am with an extremely attractive woman in my bed - albeit in a platonic way - and she's telling me I'm hot, and that she's not angry with me anymore. I fail to see a downside."

When Buffy didn't answer, Giles turned a worried face to her.

"Buffy? Are you all right? Would you like to tell me about this epiphany of yours now?"

"Could you do me a favor first? Take off your glasses and turn out the light."

"If you like. May I ask why?"

"Because I don't want to see how you look at me when I tell you this. I'm not sure I could stand it."

Without further comment, Giles did as Buffy requested. When the room was dark, he took her hand under the covers and spoke softly.

"Whatever you have to tell me, I will still feel the same way about you, Buffy. Whatever happened, we can face it together, you and I."

He was startled when she pressed against him and began to cry.

"Buffy? What's wrong?"

He held her as close as he could and gently stroked her hair as he crooned soothing words to her. The feeling was unbearably intimate to him. He knew this was not the time to burden her with his heart, so he cared for hers until she calmed herself. When she got to the point of shaky breaths and odd gulping noises, he reached over to his nightstand drawer and pulled out a handkerchief. With great solemnity, he offered it to his soggy Slayer.

"Are you ready to tell me?"

Buffy blew out another shaky breath, and then answered as quickly as she could.

"I - I had sex with Spike."

The gentle hand in her hair stopped for a split second before continuing it's soothing touch. That was the only indication Buffy had that Giles had heard her.

"It was awful," she continued as if she couldn't help herself. "It was violent, and painful, and wrong in more ways than I can say, but it was the first time since I got back that I really felt something - anything. So there was a part of me that wanted it again, no matter how bad it was. Anyway, the next night, I sat there in my room with garlic hung from every window and a cross in my hands, and then it suddenly hit me; the epiphany thing. I finally realized that if I could feel pain, and humiliation, and disgust and all that, maybe I could feel something else, too, if I tried. Maybe I could even feel something nice. So I went downstairs and I turned on an old movie Mom and I used to watch together when we felt bad. And after a while, I actually smiled a little at one of the jokes. I felt like...I'd been a fist all this time, and I'd been all clenched until nothing could get in, and now I'm opening up. It's not easy. It's not always pretty, either, but I'm getting there. And I don't feel like a fist, anymore. I'm Buffy now."

"You were always Buffy. You just needed to see that on your own."

"Yeah, I think I get that, now. So the real reason I chose here instead of Aspen or Tahoe or something is that I made a sort of Christmas resolution."

"Aren't resolutions for New Year's?"

"Yeah, but those always get broken. I don't want to break this, Giles."

"So what is your resolution?"

"I had to let you know I was better, and that I understand things now. I think I understand the whole reason you left, now."

"I told you..."

"That I had to learn to stand on my own two feet, yeah. And - as much as I hate to say this - you were right. But you said something else, too, and I didn't get it at the time."

"S - something else? I don't recall..."

"You said you couldn't stand to see me suffer, and that's why you'd step in if I didn't take care of myself."

"And that's true."

"But it's not the whole story, is it? For weeks you'd been Mr. touchy- feely, and you were flirting once in a while, and spending every nanosecond I'd let you with me. Just this once, you lost the whole subtle thing you're usually so good at. You're in love with me, aren't you?"

"Buffy...I...I don't know what to say..."

"Well, I'll settle for yes or no, and I'm sorta hoping yes because no would be incredibly embarrassing at this point, but please be honest with me, okay?"

"In that case, yes. I do love you. I never meant to tell you. I know you don't feel the same. I ask nothing of you."

"But you do. Ask stuff of me. You ask more than anyone in my life has. Every guy has asked stuff of me. Dad asked me to be a perfect kid who doesn't burn down gyms, Angel asked me to save his soul for him over and over. Parker? He just wanted another notch on his headboard. Riley asked me to be Superwoman...except that I should voluntarily give up my superpowers to be a farm wife in Iowa. And Spike, well, I'm not sure if even he knows whether he wants a dominitrix or a punching bag more, but he nearly made me be both. I could accept all that. I could try to be all those things. You...you ask me to be Buffy. Strong Buffy and weak Buffy, and silly Buffy, and responsible Buffy and kick ass Buffy, and all the Buffies I can be. Is it any wonder that scares me?"

"I'd no idea there was such a crowd in there," Giles teased in hopes of lightening the mood.

"There's all of those Buffies and a bunch more, too. And there's just one thing they all have in common: they want you back."

"How do they want me back?"

"We're not all sure yet. That's sort of my other Christmas resolution: to figure that part out."

"I see," Giles replied.

"Hey, no fair being all disappointed and sad. You think you have trouble against my pout? I have a worse time with yours, since you use it so much less."

"How can you even tell if I'm - I do not pout!"

"Do so. And hello? Slayer nightvision."

"Of course. How silly of me to have forgotten."

"See? That's why you need to come home. Giles?"

"Yes, Buffy?"

"I'm all worn out from my big sharefest, and besides, I'm too toasty to move. Is it okay if I stay here the rest of the night?"

"I've been told I snore occasionally, and I have a tendency to hog the blankets."

"That's okay. I kick people in my sleep. Oh, and sometimes I talk, too."

"Pleasant dreams, Buffy."

"'Night, Giles."

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