Title: Doing The Time Warp 2/5
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

Suddenly, he knew he wasn't. There. Anymore. Of course, he had no clue where he was, but he was sure it wasn't the Magic Box. He spun around, alarmed at the sudden change of venue.

"Ethan," he seethed, jumping to a not entirely unlikely conclusion.

"No, I'm not Ethan," a harsh, female voice informed him. "And don't bother looking for me because I'm not here, either. Nor are you, come to that."

"What do you mean, I'm not here?" Giles demanded. The only thing that made him sure this wasn't an LSD flashback was the fact that he'd avoided the stuff like poison back in his Ripper days. "What is this place?"

"You and the others are when and where you were, and you are here as well."

"Stop talking in riddles and answer me!"

"You, the four vampires, and the three girls have been pulled from time and space to find your true places, and your true mates. The wish has been made. It cannot be changed."

"Wish? Are you a vengeance demon?"

"Actually, I'm more of a dealer in temporal reorganization to bring order to the romantic aspects of the universe. Plus I do couples counseling."

Giles shook his head.

"You said there are others - vampires and some girls. Where are they?"

"Do not fear the vampires. While they are in this place, they cannot harm anyone. You may mingle freely with them, if that is your wish."

"Wonderful," Giles muttered sarcastically. "Just what I've always wanted. Four Spikes."

He looked up and developed an odd expression on his face.

"Or rather, two Spikes and two bloody Angels. My day is now officially complete."

"Your day?" one of the Spikes said belligerently. "What about mine? Your bleedin' Slayer has only gone and blown up my crypt and broken up with me and run back to her nancy commando boy."

The other Spike blew a disgusted raspberry at his counterpart.

"Will you listen to that pathetic sap?" He slapped the other Spike - the one wearing the gold chain around his neck and the stupid, low necked tee shirt - in the head. His eyes widened in disbelief. "Hair gel?! Bugger! It's worse than I thought. I'm never becoming you, you sod."

Giles stared in bewilderment.

"Buffy broke up with you? Buffy was never with you...well, except for that one time when Willow did that spell, but that was only a few hours and she wasn't even dating Riley yet, so far as I know, and you lived in my sodding bath. None of this makes sense."

"Lived in your bath, huh?" The Angel in leather pants laughed. No, Giles reminded himself, this was clearly Angelus. "Now that's just sad. And being the Slayer's pet vampire? Please! Can we say trying to fill daddy's shoes?"

"You can't talk about Buffy that way!" Angel told the other three vampires. This really was Angel, much as he'd been when Giles first met him.

"Who's talking about me what way?"

Giles looked up at the sound of her voice, unsure whether to laugh or cry at it. This was really her, looking as lovely as he'd remembered her on Prom night. Angel and the wimpier Spike both moved to her, but Giles beat them both to the spot and pulled her into a nearly desperate embrace.

"I can't believe it's you," he whispered against her hair. He suddenly remembered his audience and pulled back to look at her. She was smiling wryly at him, her eyes dancing with an amused confusion.

"Who'd you think it was, tactile guy? A reject from Madame Toussaud's?

She took a closer look at Giles, and then noticed the two pairs of identical twin vamps.

"You look tired, Giles. And why are there two Spikes and Angel *and* Angelus in the same room? What's going on?"

"Well, according to the disembodied voice that welcomed me here, it appears the universe has decided that we're all...romantically muddled in some way."

"What? The six of us? And only one girl?"

"She said there were two more women."

"That still means sombody's coming out of the closet."

"My money's on this one," the early model Spike pointed at Angel. Angelus joined in his laughter.

"Mine, too."

"He's not gay," Buffy defended her ex boyfriend.

"As we all know much to our dismay," Giles grumbled under his breath.

"I said I was sorry," Buffy said.

"You don't need to remind me he got to you first!" The later Spike complained.

"You didn't get to me at all, Spike," Buffy said. "And you never will."

"You lay one hand on her," Angel threatened, "one finger on her, Spike, and..."

"What? You'll sic your Slayer on me? You haven't had her in a long, long time, Peaches, and I've had her a lot more times than you have."

With a furious cry, Angel lunged at the more recent Spike. Buffy grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back.

"Don't. He's just trying to upset us. And, God! Caveman much? You tell me two days ago you're breaking up with me and now you're going all Rambo on Spike because he tells you a lie about me?"

"Breaking up?" Angel looked bewildered. "Buffy, we've never even gone on a date. Not that I wouldn't want...but we can't. You don't know what I am."

"A vampire, I know that, Angel. I've known it for a long time. It's why it will never work between us."

The earlier version of Spike, meantime, smacked his counterpart in the head again - gel and all.

"You moron! We're vampires. She's the Slayer. We don't shag Slayers. We bloody well kill them!"

"Face it, Spike...and Spike," Angelus taunted, "you never had what it takes to get the job done. Screwing her is as close as you'll ever get to killing her."

Buffy let out a frustrated breath and moved to her Watcher's side.

"So do we have any idea where the other two people are and how long it's gonna take us to get out of here? I sorta want to get back to my Prommy fun. I even thought a guy might be about to ask me to dance so I wouldn't be all wallflowery."

Giles smiled a little sadly at her.

"You'll get your dance, Buffy."

She shook her head. In the background the vampires continued to squabble among themselves. Buffy ignored them.

"Giles, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be straight with me. When you come from...I'm not there, am I?"

He dropped his gaze to the floor. She had her answer.

"H-how long? From my time to...no time?"

"About two years. I'm sorry."

"Two years? Wow. I always knew I was gonna...so what do you think it is in Slayer years?"

"Not nearly time enough."

"Is that why you look so tired and sad? Is that why you hugged me like that? How did I...no. I don't want to know. I'll be second guessing myself all the time if I know."

She wrapped her arms around her middle and blinked fiercely. Tears would do no good. They would only make her mascara run.

"But everyone else is okay, right? Will and Xand and Oz and Cordy? And they're there for you, right?"

"They're all fine," Giles assured her.

"And they're taking care of Mom, too, right? You're helping her?"

"Buffy...please don't ask any more."

Her eyes widened.

"You mean...? Did I get it? The thing that killed her, did I kill it?"

"There was nothing to kill, Buffy; nothing to fight. You did everything you could."

"It's never enough, is it?"

"It's more than should be asked. And you might do better if...." he trailed off and stuffed his hands in his pockets with a frustrated breath.

"If what, Giles? What am I doing wrong?"

"No, Buffy," he hastened to reassure her. "It isn't you. You're doing a remarkable job. It's me. I'm the one who's doing things wrong. If it wasn't for me -"

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be toast about a million times over. I keep telling you I can't do this job without you. You're the best Watcher there is."

"No, I'm not."

"Excuse me, but I think I know something here. I've had three Watchers, and I've known another two. Believe me, you're the best by a pretty impressive margin."

Giles smiled tightly and pulled out his handkerchief to clean his glasses. The tough Spike gawked.

"I don't bloody believe it."

"Believe what?" Buffy snapped.

"That hanky - it's not tweed!"

"A tweed handkerchief would hardly be a practical item," Giles huffed as he replaced both his maligned hanky and his glasses. "Non-absorbent, itchy, and likely to collect all manner of lint. Only a complete idiot would carry one."

"So, Spike," Buffy taunted both of them. "You got one?"

Spike One raised a two fingered salute at Buffy.

"Yeah. That proves your towering intellect," she said. "Look, I'm tired of being here and arguing with you guys and finding out my crappy future consists of not having one. I say we look for an escape, Who's with me?"

"We can't do it, Buff. We're majicked in in a big way," came a new voice.

"Will," Buffy said, "there has to be a way out. Ooh, I like the hair."

"There really isn't," Cordelia confirmed. "We've looked everywhere, and Wicca girl here muttered a bunch of spells that only gave her like an industrial sized migraine and got us nowhere. I even broke a nail trying to pry open something that looked like it might be a door."

Buffy sat on the floor and heaved a sigh.

"So we're trapped."

"Yeah, you're welcome," Cordelia huffed.

"She does give up awfully easily sometimes," Spike Two confided to Angelus.

"I know she gave *it* up awfully easy," Angelus snickered back.

"To you, maybe. Worth the effort though. The things she does..." Spike's eyes glazed over at the memories.

"What? Lying there thinking of England?"

"Guess I'm the only one who brings out the animal in her."

Buffy stormed over to the pair.

"You're the animals! God, you're such pigs! You both make me sick."

"Ah, good, you're all here, I see," came a disembodied voice.

"Who the hell are you?" Buffy demanded.

"That would be our captor," Giles told her mildly.

"Why won't she come out and face us like a...thing?"

"Those are the rules," the voice said. "Besides, in that room there are four vampires, a vampire Slayer, a Watcher, a powerful witch and...another person. The anger and strength are great."

"Hey!" Cordelia interjected "I'm not just a person, lady! I'm...I'm...a cheerleader, and I was May Queen back when I was popular before I met these losers and I was the only one to notice those devil dog things were after formalwear. Without me, the Prom would have been turned into three hundred bowls of Kibbles and Bits."

"She's not wrong about that," Buffy admitted.

"Be still!" the voiced roared. "You try my patience and that of the universe itself. Each of you has a mate chosen for you by the fates. Not one of you is with that person. You have all been pulled here, out of time, out of space, in order that your eyes may be opened and you may change the destructive choices you have all been making."

"You couldn't just fax each of us a copy of 'Soulmates For Dummies'?" Buffy asked.

"And what becomes of free will, then?" Giles demanded. "We have the right to make our own decisions, for good or ill. You cannot take that from us."

"Who's taking away your free will?" the voice asked. "No, no, we just like things to be a bit tidier than your choices are allowing the universe to be. I swear, I came to Sunnydale to show you all the way, and not only did none of you listen to me, most of you weren't even there anymore!"

"Who are you?" Buffy asked. "A cosmic Martha Stewart?"

"I'm thinking Mary Poppins with a major government grant," Willow grumbled. "And possibly some help from Professor Walsh's scientists."

"Don't mention that bitch to me," the more recent Spike growled. "If it wasn't for her, I'd still be him." He pointed at his counterpart. "That one with no chip can bite people. He's a real vampire. I'm not even that anymore."

"A chip?" the other Spike sputtered. "What? You let them neuter you? Crap! If it was me, I'd have staked myself. Or gone sunbathing. Only respectable thing to do. You're a bloody disgrace, you are, Disco boy. I'm not so sure you were ever me at all."

"Please, everybody," Giles admonished. "We're getting off the point." He looked up and directed his questions to the ceiling. "What exactly is it you expect of us? We're not simply going to race into one anothers' arms because you tell us to. How are we to determine what it is you want and how to achieve it, even if we were to agree with your choices?"

"Which we probably won't," Buffy added helpfully.

"Is this the entire pool we're choosing from?" Cordelia asked. "Because if we are, color me so not interested. I mean, come on! Four vampires, two of whom are completely evil and one of whom is just pathetic, and an old guy. Even older than I remember."

"Yes, well, you've aged, too," Giles grumbled.

"As if. So unless you plan to drop Mel Gibson into this room pronto, I don't see anything on the menu I want."

"And what about me?" Willow piped up. "I've already got a girlfriend I love. And, okay, we're not in the absolute best space we've ever been in, but - tiff. We'll make it up. I - I think."

Buffy's eyes bugged out.

"You have a *girlfriend*? A - as in 'hi honey, I'm home, come to my arms my red hot baby' girlfriend?"

"Yeah, Buffy. You knew I was gay...or, a later you knew."

"Wow. I'm guessing the final two years of my life are exciting."

"That's nothing," said the chipped Spike. "Wait till you come back for your encore."

"Bloody bint never did know when to say die," muttered the original Spike.

"No, but when she saw you, she knew enough to say kill," Angel retorted.

"Will you all just shut up?" the disembodied voice yelled, completely losing her cool. "I'm trying to answer a question here. No wonder you're all so fouled up. No discipline whatsoever."

"Somebody didn't take their Prozac," muttered Cordelia.

"We're listening," Giles assured their captor. "What is it you expect of us?"

"Kiss."

NEXT