Title: Doing The Time Warp 3/5
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

The group waited impatiently for more.

None was forthcoming.

"What do you mean, kiss?" Willow asked. "Kiss who?"

"Each other."

"What," Buffy asked, "just random people?"

"That's right."

"And then what?"

"When you choose the right person, and enough has been done, you will be returned to your original timeline where you will still have the free will to make the same choices, but you will also have the will in your heart to make better choices. That is all. And don't make me do this again!"

When the voice was gone, the little band stared awkwardly at one another for a while. Nobody knew quite what to say or do. Buffy caught the more recent Spike looking at her cleavage and glared at him.

"In your dreams," she told him firmly.

"I dunno, Pet. Maybe I'm the one you're supposed to kiss."

"If so, then I'm never getting back to the Prom."

"Stop it, both of you," Giles scolded them. "Now clearly, none of us are going to get out of here until we do what's expected of us. Therefore, I suggest we start...well...kissing."

The others all stared at him.

"Well I don't see any of you coming up with anything better."

Giles pulled off his glasses and rubbed the back of his neck in frustration.

"Okay," Buffy said, "I'd rather have something to pummel, but if smoochies are gonna get us out of here, who am I to fight it? Angel, come here. Let's get it over with."

"But didn't she say this is because we've all picked the wrong people?" Cordelia reminded them. "Shouldn't we pick people we're not already with?"

"We broke up, Cordy. What if that's the mistake?"

"And I've never dated her," Angel chimed in.

"All right, if that's how you guys want to play it. But don't say I didn't warn you."

Cordelia moved to one side and watched with one eyebrow arched as Buffy and Angel moved closer to one another nervously.

"This feels so weird," Buffy laughed uncomfortably.

"I know. But it'll be okay. I've wanted to do this for so long."

"Kiss me in front of a big audience?"

Angel shook his head.

"Kiss you. At all."

He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her gently. She kissed him back with all the passion of frustrated desire for her lost love. When they ended the kiss, both looked sad. Buffy looked at the floor.

"You're not the one I was supposed to kiss, are you?" she asked miserably.

"I guess not," he agreed.

"So what do we do now?"

"Here's what you do," the late model Spike said. "You stand over there and look like a git, Peaches, while I kiss the girl."

He swung Buffy around and kissed her before she could protest. She pulled back as quickly as she could, gagging.

"Eiww! Haven't you ever heard of breath mints? You could warn a girl before you decide to share that ashtray mouth."

Spike just looked disappointed.

"She's supposed to be mine. I love her."

"You don't love her, you great, prancing poof," the earlier Spike informed him. "You want her. She's the one Slayer you've met you couldn't kill. This is a whole...whaddyacallit...obsession thing. Now me and Dru, we've got the real thing."

Angelus snickered rudely.

"All you've got of Dru is her ass when she's not sharing it with someone else."

Spike went white with rage.

"You take that back, Angelus."

"Oh, of course, I forgot how pure and virginal Dru is. I wonder why that is? Oh, wait! I do know." Angelus pulled a piece of silk out of his duster. "Look what I've got in my pocket," he sang as he dangled the frilly panties in Spike's face.

"Could we kindly stop with the display of vampire knickers?" Giles begged as he cleaned his spotless glasses. "We need to figure out who kisses who to get us out of here."

"Go on, Buffy," Willow urged. "Kiss somebody else."

"Like who, Will?"

Willow shrugged.

"I - I guess you could try with...me, if you wanted."

Buffy looked nervously at Giles. He shrugged.

"You might as well try it. It can't hurt anything."

"Nice attempt at the nonchalant, Watcher mine. Have you been, like, waiting all your life to see two girls kiss each other?"

"No, I've already seen that. I'm just anxious to get out of here, lord knows why."

"'Cause this is real funky and it's wigging you out? And when did you see two girls kiss before?"

"Will you just get on with it?"

"Cranky. Okay, Will, pucker up. Let's try it."

The two girls approached one another nervously. After several feints and retreats, they managed a tentative liplock. A moment later, both pulled back looking slightly relieved that it was over.

"Well that was a disappointment," the original Spike said. "I was hoping for something with a bit more fireworks than that."

"And they say redheads are passionate," Angelus said disgutedly. "That wasn't passionate."

"Shut up!" Willow yelled. "I don't see you guys doing anything but making stupid cracks at each other. Why don't you try kissing each other, huh? See how you like it having to kiss someone you don't think about that way in front of a bunch of other people."

"Yes," Giles agreed, "why don't you two kiss each other for us. Perhaps you're true soulmates and just won't admit it because of your raging homophobia."

The two vampires actually managed to blanch at the idea. They started to demur, but found Buffy, Giles, Willow, Cordelia and Angel all gathered around them with folded arms and grim determination etched on every countenance. A short distance away, the other Spike giggled.

"Go on, luvs," he told them. "Make with the kissey faces. You know you want to."

Angelus actually growled, but found he couldn't even go into game face. Spike shrugged his shoulders and turned to face his Sire.

"Bloody hell, but this is gonna be rough. You tell anyone about this - *anyone* - and you'll be kissing daylight about two seconds later even if it's the middle of the bloody night."

With that, he took a deep breath for show and pulled the taller vampire's head down to his own. The kiss was bruising, but brief. When both parties pulled back, they wiped their mouths with the backs of their hands and spat identically.

"And that leaves just two people who haven't tried kissing anyone at all," Buffy observed as her gaze fell on Giles and Cordelia.

"No way!" Cordelia protested.

"Cordelia?!" Giles yelped.

"Oh grow up, you two. It's just a little kiss."

"But he's so old," Cordelia said.

"I believe you were the one who said something about Mel Gibson, Cordy," Buffy taunted her. "He's older than Giles...or if he isn't, he's about the same age, so just imagine it's Mel in some macho part and do it already."

"First off, Mel Gibson is so not as old as Giles, and second, if he was, he'd still be way richer and more famous than Giles, so it'd be okay."

"And I have no intention of...sucking face with someone as monumentally vapid and shallow as Cordelia."

"Hey!" the girl fumed. "You take that back. Whatever you called me."

"Oh, just shut up and do it already," Buffy ordered them. "I had to kiss Willow and Spike. Not to mention the humiliation of finding out Angel wasn't my get out of jail free card, after all. You guys can sacrifice something to the cause, too."

Giles glared at his Slayer, who smirked back at him until the corners of his mouth began to turn up despite his best efforts.

"Oh alright. Come here, Cordelia. Just imagine, as Buffy said, that I'm Mel Gibson, and I'll imagine you ever actually said something nice to me."

He leaned down and took Cordelia into his arms. He pressed his lips against hers. Cordy gave a muffled groan and kissed him back. It went on for a while. Buffy didn't know why, but she began to really regret her suggestion. Watching Giles kiss Cordelia was creeping her out in a big way. Willow leaned over to Buffy and giggled.

"I think we may have a winner here. Who knew?"

"We don't. Yet. Know. How long are they gonna do this? Don't they need to breathe?"

At last, Giles pulled back from Cordelia with a small smile.

"Thank you, Cordelia. That was...um...very nice, actually."

"Yeah. Nice," Cordy replied a little breathlessly. She turned to Willow and Buffy. "You guys should try it. For an old guy, Giles is a way good kisser."

"That's it?" Buffy asked. "He's a good kisser? Nothing happened?"

Cordelia shrugged.

"Not really. I mean, it was nice, but that's really it. Nothing happened."

"She's right," Giles agreed. "As unexpectedly pleasant as it turned out to be, it was just a kiss. Nothing more."

Buffy wasn't sure if she was more upset or relieved by her friends' assurances. She knew it ought to be pure frustration, since it meant they were no closer to getting out of captivity, but there was a little piece of her heart that rejoiced at the lack of soulmateness between her Watcher and Cordelia.

"Let's face it," Spike one said, "we're none of us getting out of here, because none of you is in love with anyone but yourselves. Wankers."

"An interesting observation, Spike," Giles mused, "since you and Angel are the only ones in a position to actually kiss yourselves."

"Hey, that's right," Buffy agreed. "There's two of you, Spike. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Because I'm not a bloody poofter, that's why not."

"Hey, I kissed a girl, and I'm not gay. Of course, if you're too scared..."

"Yes, nobody would dream of asking you to do something that frightens you," Giles added blandly.

"Frightened? Frightened? I'll give you frightened, mate."

With that, Spike grabbed his counterpart and kissed him soundly on the lips. Both pulled back with dazed expressions on their faces. They smiled, then returned to their kisses. Hands wandered as mouths opened and tongues began a sensual duel. From nowhere a bed sprang up next to them. The sheets were black and the frame wrought iron. The matching vampires tumbled onto it and began to undress one another as the rest of the party looked on in horrified fascination.

"Okay. Unexpected," Buffy observed as soon as she could find words at all. "At least now we know what happens when we find a match."

Giles put his glasses in his pocket.

"That's really rather disturbing. Not to mention the most advanced form of masturbation I've ever seen."

"You've seen way too many kinky things, Giles," Buffy observed wryly.

"So maybe that means Angel and Angelus should try it, too," Willow said looking away from the wrought iron bed where a pair of naked Spikes were now making the bedsprings creak with erotic ferocity.

Angel turned an interesting shade of green and turned to his evil twin.

"If we want to get out of here, I guess we have to try this."

"Yeah, yeah, in a minute. I'm busy. Anybody got a video camera? I want to film this and put it up on eBay."

The evil vampire adjusted himself in his leather trousers as he watched the early model Spike kiss his way down the later Spike's belly and take his twin's erect cock between his lips. Nobody liked to ask where the handcuffs that pinned the more recent Spike to the headboard had come from.

"Or forget the camera; just bring me a big bowl of popcorn."

"Angelus," Angel prodded him, "I'd really like to get out of here. Are you going to kiss me or not?"

Angelus spun around and hit his other self on the cheek.

"First things first, boy. I'm in charge here. You do what I say. Got it?"

Angel's eyes went wide, then he began to smile.

"Yes, master."

Buffy and Willow shared an odd look at this turn of events.

The vampires, however, were only getting started.

Angelus pulled Angel flush with his body and rubbed his pelvis against that of his lookalike.

"Feel that?" he asked. "You want that? Huh? Tell me you want it."

"Yes, master. I want it," Angel whimpered.

"Then you may kiss me," Angelus said.

"This is seriously disturbing," Willow said.

"No kidding. I'll be in therapy until I'm at least forty," Cordelia agreed.

Buffy whimpered and Giles patted her shoulder comfortingly.

Angel and Angelus, meanwhile, had begun to kiss - or possibly devour one another. It was unclear which they were trying to do. A bed appeared next to them. This one was made of ebony carved in fantastic, gothic shapes with blood red satin sheets gracing the mattress. Angelus pushed his lover onto the bed and ordered him to undress.

Buffy turned and headed for the farthest corner of the room. She wasn't sure what was the worst; the fact that kissing Angel hadn't worked to get her out, or the fact that he seemed to get off on humiliating himself. Besides, she was coming to a disturbing conclusion about what she had to do to get out.

NEXT