Title: Odd Couples 12/16
Author: Gileswench
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

Half an hour later, Buffy emerged from the bathroom. The apartment was quiet and there was no sign of the stripper. Giles sat on the sofa, sipping a glass of single malt whiskey.

"So...the frog prince is gone?"

"And won't be back."

"Rupert...you didn't hurt him, did you?"

"No. I just made it clear that he's not coming anywhere near you again. Feeling better?"

"We're out of toothpaste and mouthwash, but yeah, I feel a little better." She flopped onto the sofa next to her husband. "Kinda killed the mood, though. Plus, my nerves are all jangly now."

"As are mine. But I think I know a way to calm them."

"Oh, what's that?"

He leaned down and kissed her.

"This."

He pulled a remote from the pocket of his robe and turned on the television, then the VCR. She looked up at him, curious. He smiled and kissed her again. Just as she was starting to respond, she heard a familiar song begin on the tape.

Dance your cares away,
Worry's for another day.
Let the music play,
Down at Fraggle Rock.

"Fraggles!" she exclaimed in delight. "Rupert, you are the best husband of all time."

"I told you I would be," he grinned. "Now hush, darling. I don't want to miss any of this."

"It's a tape. We can rewind it." She looked puzzled at the screen. "Who's that? I don't remember him."

"That's Captain, the old man. The Fraggles live under his house. I thought you knew this show."

"What happened to Doc? He's the one who lives on top of the Fraggles."

"Captain."

"Doc."

"Captain."

"Doc. It was Doc."

"Not in England. We had Captain."

"You guys always mess things up."

"We improved on it. Now watch and learn."

He pulled her closer. She snuggled up to his side, giggling. They watched Fraggle Rock tapes until they both fell asleep where they sat.

*****

Christmas went well. The day was filled with good cheer, good food, good drink, and good friends and family. A week later, New Year's Eve was just as good. After that, Buffy and Giles had to say goodbye to his parents. The parting was tearful on Buffy and Daphne's parts, manfully stoic on Giles and Ernest's.

Over the next couple months, Buffy and Giles settled into a married routine. They did housework and Buffy's homework and went patrolling together every night. Then they came home and made love and made dreams together. Once a week, they had dinner at Joyce and Xander's house.

One night, a few weeks before the baby was due, Giles found Xander pacing the floor of the nursery.

"Xander, is something wrong?"

The younger man looked up at his friend, startled by the question.

"Wrong?" He laughed in a strained manner. "What could possibly be wrong? Giles, what the hell was I thinking? I can't do this. What do I know about being a father? What if I drop the kid on her head?"

"It doesn't seem to have done you that much harm."

"Not funny, Giles." He paced some more. "I never even had a puppy, and now I'm going to be let loose with a whole baby. Nobody thought this one through. I shouldn't have touched Joyce until I'd gotten myself a vasectomy. Hell, I should have given myself one."

"That would have been incredibly awkward, not to mention painful." He took Xander by the shoulders and stopped him. "You're going to do just fine. Joyce knows what she's doing. And there are no end of books on the subject."

"I didn't read the books. And Joyce won't be around every single minute. What if I screw up?"

"Well of course you'll screw up. Everybody does. My own parents made some monumental errors in raising me."

"But you turned out amazing."

"And you and I were there to see one or two of Joyce's blunders with Buffy. But she's turned out to be a warm, wonderful woman."

Xander moved to the crib he'd built and touched it gently. He ran his hands over the smooth finish of the wood.

"I know all that. But Joyce is a pretty wonderful woman, and your parents are really cool. They aren't...they're not like mine."

"No, they aren't. And neither are you."

"Come on, Giles. You know what all the studies say. Sometimes I think it would be better for Joyce and the baby if I just wasn't here. I don't want to treat my daughter the way my mom and dad treated me."

"Then don't. Quit wallowing, Xander. You're a good man. And you have a wife and child depending on you. They need you. But if you're just going to give up now, perhaps you're right. Perhaps they would be better off without you."

"Huh?"

"I know what the statistics say, but that's all they are: statistics. Possibilities, likelihoods. Statisitcally, there was every reason to believe you'd drop out of high school and be unemployable. Statistically, it was a virtual impossibility that you and Joyce would marry. You've beaten the odds before, Xander. If you decide to let them determine your fate now...well, I'd be terribly disappointed in you."

"I just don't know how many times one person can beat the odds, Giles."

"Nor do I. Buffy has this amazing way of continuing to beat them. I've rather lost count, at this point."

"She's really something, isn't she?"

"So are you, Xander. Not, perhaps, always in the positive sense, but..."

Xander looked startled. Then he saw the sly grin forming on Giles' face. He laughed.

"Okay, I got it. No more wallowing. I'll tone it down to blind panic. Is blind panic allowed?"

"At the thought of a child of yours? I believe it's required."

"Hey, it could be worse; it could be a child of yours. Speaking of which...any news yet? When are you and the Buffster gonna make me a grandpa?"

"I-I really don't know. It's...well...not really..."

"Giles, I know you guys are trying."

"Buffy told you?"

"No, Buffy told Willow. When something is told to Will, that means it's automatically told to me and to Anya. And if I know it, Joyce knows it. Trust me, we all know more than we want to about your sex life."

Giles pinched the bridge of his nose under his glasses.

"Oh dear lord," he breathed.

"Oh dear something, anyway. Word from Buffy is you're quite the manly man."

"Sh-she...what the hell did she say?"

"No real details, just something about stamina and recovery powers beyond those of mortal man. We're filling in the blanks on our own. So...sounds like everything works. How's the old sperm count?"

"Xander, that's enough."

The glare that accompanied the sharply spoken words made it clear Giles was serious. The younger man nodded sheepishly.

"Sorry, man. Look, it's only been a couple months. Some people just take a little longer than others to hit the jackpot. You'll do it."

Giles shifted uncomfortably and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Look, I know you mean well," he said, "but could we possibly...not discuss this?"

"It doesn't have anything to do with your demony side, does it?"

"Xander, please!"

"'Cause if it does and Buffy doesn't know about it, you'd better tell her right now. Remember when you thought the wedding wasn't going to happen? Well, this could make it unhappen. You could end up with a quickie divorce in a big hurry if you don't watch out."

Giles glared at his father-in-law.

"If you must know, I've already done some research on the matter. I even...I called my father and talked to him. It isn't my Skloath heritage. It's just...not happening. Not yet. Now can we please close the subject? It's private, and not particularly enjoyable."

Xander had the grace to look a bit sheepish.

"Oh. Sorry. I just...when there's a problem, you know me; I always look to the demon. Still, there's an upside, right? Nookie overload can't be bad."

*****

"Honey, you just have to be patient," Joyce said as she poured another cup of herbal tea for her daughter. "It doesn't always happen overnight. And in the meantime, well, how bad can it be?"

"There speaks a woman who never had any trouble getting pregnant. It was really fun the first month. It wasn't bad the second, either. Now we're getting into the stage of picking positions because they're best for...retention more than fun. And this whole temperature-taking thing is really annoying. Plus there's the exciting part where we get these short windows of opportunity when neither one of us is all that much in the mood. Sometimes the best time is one when we can't do anything about it. And again, it all comes back to the fact that I'm a freak of nature."

"How do you know it's you? There are two of you. It could be that the problem - if there's a real problem at all - is Rupert."

Buffy shook her head and sipped her tea. She replaced the cup carefully.

"It isn't him."

"But how do you know that? Maybe the sort of demon he is doesn't...breed easily with humans."

"Breed? God, Mom, could you find a more insulting word? And it isn't the Skloath thing. I even called Daphne. Turns out she and Ernest...they sort of had to get married in a hurry because of Rupert. It's not him. It's me."

Joyce took her daughter's hand across the breakfast bar.

"It could still be either one of you. Fully human men sometimes have fertility problems, too. I'm not saying it's definitely him, but until you get checked out, it isn't definitely you, either. Besides, sometimes it's not that there's a problem. Maybe...maybe you're just trying too hard; worrying too much about timing and cycles and all of that. Why don't you both try to relax a little, and let it happen naturally?"

Buffy got up and took her cup and saucer to the sink. She stood with her back to her mother, shoulders hunched protectively.

"Mom, I might not have time for naturally. You know what it's like, being the Slayer. I get a few months of quiet every year, over the summer. I thought maybe if I got pregnant right away, I could have the baby while things are under control. 'Cause I could still fight for the first couple months, before the demons figure out to aim for the gut. And then I could have had some help from the guys in the fall, when things are usually just getting going again. The longer it doesn't happen, the more likely it is that I'll end up waddling into Armageddon eight months along. I can't do that. Pretty soon we'll have to start using something so it doesn't work out that way. So no, I can't relax. As it is, if it happens now, I'll be out of commission until Christmas. Can't leave the gang hanging much beyond then."

"You really think there's a good time for a Slayer to have a baby?"

"Not really. Just maybe a less worse time."

"Have you...I know this isn't what you have in mind, but...well..."

"Mom, spit it out," Buffy said. "Whatever it is, I promise not to slay you."

"Well," Joyce said hesitantly, "have you and Rupert considered adoption?"

"Mom! Sheesh! It's been taking longer than we thought it would, but we're not ready to give up yet."

"I just meant...your job isn't really a very good one for having a baby, is it? You can't just leave the world unprotected for the better part of a year. I understand why you want to try right now, but, Honey, there's never really going to be a good time, is there?"

Buffy shook her head miserably. Her eyes filled with tears which she blinked back fiercely. She hated how touchy she'd become of late. It wasn't exactly helping her cope with the latest vampire master to rise and try to suck the world into Hell. It wasn't helping her deal with the fact that her heavily pregnant mother was essentially telling her she'd have to settle for someone else's baby to raise if she insisted of being insane enough to think parenthood was for her at all.

She hastily tried to dry her eyes when she heard Giles' footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Buffy?" he called, "are you ready to go home?"

"Um...yeah, just a second."

He came up behind her and pressed a quick kiss to the crown of her head. She smiled up at him, but he wasn't fooled for a minute.

"Buffy? What's wrong?"

She just shook her head and nestled closer to him. He looked inquiringly at Joyce.

"It's my fault, I'm afraid," she sighed. "I said some things I probably shouldn't have."

"No, it's me," Buffy insisted. "I'm just being way oversensitive. Ignore me."

"I can't do that," he said in a teasing, coaxing tone. "Ignoring destiny may look attractive now and again, but when you marry it...there's no escape."

At that Buffy burst into tears and ran from the room. Giles stared after her in confusion for a long moment.

"At least I'm not the only one with her foot in her mouth up to the kneecap," Joyce sighed.

"Was it something I said?"

Joyce rolled her eyes. Giles gathered himself and headed for the living room. He found Buffy curled up on the sofa doing her best to stop crying. Sitting beside her, he offered her a handkerchief and pulled her close.

"I'm sorry I'm being such a goof," Buffy choked out. "I just...it's not fair!"

"What's not fair?"

"All I want is one normal thing and I can't have it. Just one. I already figured out my life is going to be a freakshow no matter what - and I'm okay with that - but I thought I could still have one ordinary, boring thing that everyone else takes for granted. Just one. Just a baby."

"Who says you can't" Giles asked mildly.

"Mom. And that stupid thing called common sense. And probably everyone else who's ever known a Slayer. Nine months is a long time to leave the world hanging while I go off and model maternitywear." She sniffled into the hanky. "I don't get this, do I, Rupert?"

"I don't know," he said miserably. "It's not something that's been tried often. Still, I do know one thing: you've never let what anyone else wants or does or has done stop you doing just as you please. I've never heard of a Slayer getting a degree from a University before. Most Slayers never marry. Most never have close friends, aside from their Watchers. You have friendships and are getting an education most Slayers would never dream of. Maybe you can have this, too. Maybe we can have this."

"Thanks," she said with a watery chuckle. "Your lies really help sometimes. But you and I both know this is one normal thing too many. Maybe...maybe on the way home, we should stop at the drugstore. I think it may be time to break out the condoms again."

There seemed to be no answer to this, so Giles just pulled her closer still and kissed her temple softly.

Joyce and Xander watched the scene from the doorway, twin expressions of distress on their faces.

"It really isn't fair," Joyce whispered to her husband. "We can't let this happen."

"And we won't," Xander promised. "Those two have had to give up way too much as it is. A kid isn't too much to ask in return." He caressed his wife's distended belly. "Besides, our kid could use another auntie or uncle. I don't care if I have to break Faith out of prison, Buffy's gonna have her baby."

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